Why Discipline Often Backfires with Kids,by Sheila Grey

Disciplining children can be a headache–especially when it seems like it’s not doing any good!

Do you try to instill consequences for bad behavior for your children, but you find that you’re always at loggerheads? It’s not uncommon. Many parents find that their attempts at disciplining children backfire.

Yup, parents have great intentions for their kids. But somewhere between their aspirations and their call to us for help something goes haywire. Not for lack of good intentions, but for lack of understanding. And when parents begin to understand what we’re about to share here, things begin to change. Sometimes slowly, and sometimes quickly. Almost always significantly.Haywire starts simply enough. The parent does what “works.” Maybe a method learned in a book or online. Or maybe a friend gave some advice because it “worked for my kid!”

Problem: The kids do what the parent asks, not because of any internal change, but because under the surface they fear the outcome if they don’t.

Parents: The aim should not be blind obedience. It should be character & identity formation.

 Over time as the pattern repeats, the fear turns to resentment and resentment turns to rage. Soon the momentum feels unstoppable.

If we had a nickle for every time a parent said, “I don’t know what happened all of a sudden. Everything was working fine and then it all blew up!” We wouldn’t be millionaires, but we’d be able to sponsor to few more Compassion kids!

Kids’ blow ups almost always start as a slow burn, sometimes imperceptible, especially at first. Heat builds as parents’ well-intended efforts don’t ultimately gain the desired outcome. The parents and children grow further and further apart as kids rebel from this dynamic and parents dig in to “be the parent” (or give in, in order to keep the peace).

From this pressure cooker comes the parents’ common cry: “Help!” Whether wanting kids to understand the importance of respecting others; develop a sense of responsibility; or more simply, to clean up messes, treat each other better, and do homework, these parents essentially all ask us the same question,

Why is there such a big disconnect between what I want my kids to get from me and what they seem to be getting from me?

The answer to this question is why Connected Families ministry exists. It turns out that there is a very clear reason, and we do whatever we can to help parents understand it.

We’ve learned over the years that effective parents focus less on right behavior, and more on God-honoring identity.

Effective parents focus less on right behavior, and more on God-honoring identity. Click To Tweet In a nutshell, here’s how this works: imagine your child has just left another mess on the dinner table in spite of your clear instruction to clean it up. A behavior-focused statement might be something to this effect, “You left a mess again. Why are you so messy? Now clean it up or you’ll get a consequence!” The parent will firmly follow through and either the mess will get cleaned or the consequence administered.
Sounds good right?