Does Everything Really Come Down to Sex?

Is sex really as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be?

We talk about sex a lot on this blog, and without fail we will get at least one comment that says:

I just don’t understand the hype around sex! Why is it such a huge deal to guys?

And it occurs to me that I haven’t written any posts lately talking about how wonderful sex is and how we should be emphasizing it more! So I came across something I wrote a few years ago that I want to reiterate today.

But first, let me tell you about a funny conversation that I had the other day with a (relative) newlywed. She said that she was talking to a bunch of other newlyweds about what was so great about being married. And they all said things like, “It’s so fun to not have to say good night and then have them leave”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to do life together”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to cuddle whenever we want.”

And the newlywed said to me, I wanted to say, “are you kidding? You know what’s so great? You can finally HAVE SEX!” But no one else seemed to be jumping on that bandwagon.

Why is that?

Partly, of course, it’s that sex takes a while to get to work like clockwork. But I think it’s also because too often we women don’t necessarily value and appreciate sex the way that we could (which is also often why sex doesn’t feel great right off the bat). And when we don’t realize how great sex can be for us, we can unintentionally make our relationship more distant.

For instance, here’s the basic summary of an email I recently got from a guy who reads this blog:

I really am quite simple: when my wife has regular sex with me, I feel like I can take on the world. I’m happy. I love being with her. I love being with the kids. But when she doesn’t, everything feels like a chore. It’s not that I don’t love her; it’s just that it’s much harder. I don’t find that you talk about that on your blog anymore. You give all these excuses for women not to have sex, but honestly, I wish women understood that for men, it really is that simple. Make love, and we’re putty in your hands.

I agree with him. In fact, that certainly is the focus of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex (although I include other challenges couples have as well).

But here’s what started to happen: I wrote many posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love, (or what to do if you’re the higher drive wife!), and these have become some of the most popular posts on this site. Many, many women who come here would LOVE to have husbands who want to make love, but they don’t. Their husbands have rejected them. Or perhaps their husbands watch porn so much that they can’t have a real relationship.

And so many of my posts have been slanting in that direction and trying to minister to these women.

But I have to admit: on the whole, that commenter is right.

For most men, far more than for most women, sex is a huge felt need.

The fact that so many men reject sex in marriage is just a sign that our world is getting more and more messed up. And if you’re in that camp, then please head on over to my week for higher libido wives post and find some answers that will work in your situation.

Today, though, I do want to talk to the rest of the women: the ones married to men who do want sex. And what I want to say to you today is, yes, it really is that simple.

But if he wants sex all the time, that means he’s really shallow! I can feel so many of you thinking that right now.

Is sex really that big a deal? YES! Here's what happens when sex goes missing in marriage:CLICK TO TWEET

You see, when we women think about whether or not a relationship is good, we ask whether we’re talking enough. We wonder if we’re affectionate. Have we done anything together lately? Do I feel as if I can share my heart? Do I know what’s going on in his heart? Has he reached out to me lately? Has he asked me for help with something? Has he talked through a problem? Has he helped me around the house or with the kids? Has he shown me love?

We have all these data points that tell us whether or not we’re connecting.