Reader Question: How Does Grief Affect Your Sex Life?

On Mondays I like to take a reader question and try to answer it on video (and I’ve had great fun filming some upcoming ones with my daughter Rebecca!).

But today’s a significant day for me. Today my son Christopher would have turned 22, had he lived.

And recently I had a reader write in about grief and intimacy. I read her whole question on the video, but to summarize:

A few years ago we lost our baby girl when she was only 36 days old. Our oldest was 19 months at the time. A few years later we had a stillborn. We went on to have two more healthy children, but we also had a miscarriage. I know that you say grief comes upon you in waves, and I’ve certainly experienced that. But for me, grief and sex are really intertwined. It makes our sex life really difficult. Any suggestions?

That’s a hard question! I related in the video something that I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about how making love ended up being very healing for me the night that my son died. And that was not something that I had expected (and I didn’t mean to tear up in the video!).

For those of you who don’t like to watch videos, or who want more info, let me summarize some of what I said about grief and intimacy.

We tend to experience grief differently. This month we’re talking about personality types (really how the MBTI relates to marriage). Every Wednesday we’re looking at a different facet. But my personality type loves talking about our thoughts and figuring out plans and ideas by talking out loud. Feelings, however, are different. When I’m feeling grief, I tend to put a wall around myself and like to be by myself.

My husband, on the other hand, is far more extroverted with his feelings. He has no trouble sharing them. And that means that we don’t always help each other the best.

Sometimes a couple may simply process grief differently, and that has the potential to pull you apart.

It’s important, though, to recognize that making love can actually be a healing part of grief even if you don’t talk about what you’re feeling. You don’t need to talk to touch each other’s pain. And often we carry our pain in our physical bodies. When we can share that, it can be tremendously freeing, if you’re not able to vocalize what you’re thinking.

So I’d say: even if you can’t talk about it, don’t shy away from each other. Try to even say just one sentence aloud, and then hold each other, and don’t be afraid if it goes further than that. Deep intimacy tends to fuel desire, but that doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring grief and just getting sexy! No, it means that you’re trying to connect on the deepest level. You’re truly making love. And that’s okay.